I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
