you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
