I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize