Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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