First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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