Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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