I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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