am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
