When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
