I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
