Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize