my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
