I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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