i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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