sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
