I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
