Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
