I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
