Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
