I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
