you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
