i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
