You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
