I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
