ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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