The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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