saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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