yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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