My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
