hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
