So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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