I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
