when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
