I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
