The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
