I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
