i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
