cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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