I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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