I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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