this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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