i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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