I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize