Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
