I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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