I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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