Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize