Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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