I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's always time for handjobs
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
