between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i've created a new STD.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
so much tequila, so little girl.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
