I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize