So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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