There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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