toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
