im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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