I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize