He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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