some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
